It has been a looong week since then. One moment I feel fine, the next I get sad and angry. And I cry and cry... I get angry at God, for taking my Baby, I get angry at women that abort or that give their baby away...why do they have such an easy time? I get angry at people that don't understand me and say mean things. The next moment I'm glad my child is at a better place and I'm sorry for the people that don't understand. And than I'm glad (I know it's sounds weird) that God let me go through this, so I could understand and help people going through the same thing and so I could grow more. Than again, I just want to be pregnant again and the thought of having nothing inside of me drives me crazy. It was a hard 3 month of my pregnancy with my crazy blood sugar levles and everything. I had to get up a couple times a night to eat and to check my sugar. I felt exhausted and sick, but I was happy and excited about the life inside of me... I was dreaming about my baby and Warren as a Dad. All those dreams where all sudden gone. I felt guilty and embarrassed. I felt like I killed my Baby, but my Doctor said it just developed wrong and then stopped growing. She told me that miscarriages happen to 1 in 4 women and that my diabetes had nothing to do with it, so that helped a bit. Since the D&C I have had no motivation, and I feel too weak to do something about it. Making food is something I would like to avoid... I don't feel like eating and I don't know what I want. I still don't fit into some of my pants and it cuts into my heart everytime I try something on and have to change again. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy and I'm all alone... It seems like people move on, why can't I?? When people ask me how I'm doing I usually just say "OK", because I feel like they just want a 5 second answer but mine could be 15 min.
Right now the only joy is my husband and I'm counting the hours until he comes home everyday. (I hope I'm not holding on too tight and annoying him)
Sometimes I get sad when I see young mothers and their kids, but than I get full of joy and hope, that one day I might have one of my own. I know there are so many people that have gone through much worse things, but it doesn't make what we went through seem any easier. I know I'm young, and we have only been married for a little more than a year, but the moment we found out we were pregnant, we loved the Baby and counted the days until we could hold it in our arms and kiss it.
How long is it ok to grieve? Will it ever stop? How can I change the way I feel? There is so many questions on my mind. What really comforts me is talking to God, my husband, and reading the Psalms. Today I bought a book called "Empty arms" by Pam Vredevelt who lost a Baby at 5 month. And I've only read 3 chapters, but I really like it and it gives me peace when I read. It tells me I'm not alone and that there is ALWAYS hope! On sunday evening Mike said, that he was so excited that he will meet Jesus one day, I'm very excited too, but I also get to see my Child and that fills my heart with joy!
- Liane
6 comments:
Liane, that's one of the most emotional and true to the heart post i've read.I've questioned God on some things in life too.It's very encouraging and inspiring that despite your emotional rollercoster, you see the good in God. You're in my prayers......take care
You are definitely not alone. When do you stop grieving? For everyone it's different. I can tell you what day I had my miscarriage and I can tell you how I felt and that I bought myself flowers on the anniversary of when the baby would have been born and on the anniversary of the miscarriage for several years, but there came a point where the grief wasn't as bad and now I rarely think about it - but then it's been 18 years and 5 months. Hold on to the fact that God is good and He does know what is best. Trust Him, He is faithful.
Don't forget that your body went through major changes and it does need time to heal. Don't feel guilty for taking the time to sleep, relax, read, and take it easy.
Liane - Reading your thoughts just brought tears to my eyes. I can't even begin to image how hard this must be for Warren and you. Thanks for sharing your feelings and being so open. I am thinking of and praying for you guys!
Your thoughts and feelings are so beautiful and so real! My Mom and I still to this day talk about her two miscarriages; one I remember, one I don't. We still talk about what gender they might have been (my Mom chose a gender, she just had a feeling), what their names are (David and Tiffany), how old they would be now, what they would be doing...lots of stuff. It's probably different for everyone who loses someone they love so much, but I know for her, choosing a gender and name really helped her. The pain will lessen, the rollercoaster of emotions will settle down, you will feel like doing things again. God will hold you through this. For now, hold onto each other, mourn, move on a little at a time. And remember that lots of people are praying for you!
Liane - I read your post this morning and prayed many times for you and Warren throughout the day, as I have many times before. I tried to call as well but you weren't home. As I lay down to sleep tonight my mind would not rest and I thought maybe I needed to get up and post a comment, and cry for you,... and pray again.
I'm so sorry you're hurting and wish I could do something to take away the pain. So hard to find the words. As others have already said, it will get easier... with each day the clouds will get lighter and lighter until the sunbeam begins to shine through again. Til then, cry when you need to and don't feel guilty when you want to laugh. Cling to God's promises and the hope He gives. He loves you and cares more than you can imagine. Remember the rainbow... Our God is an awesome God!
Thanks for sharing your feelings.
We love you,
P.S. I like the little Willow Tree child.
Liane, I appreciate your heartfelt laments and that you are so candid about what your feeling and saying. I always find that spilling it all out is a great way to heal. Don't worry about how long it takes to grieve, we're all different in our grief process. For myself it took a couple of weeks, for others it takes a couple of years. Just as long as you know that God has a hand in this and He will never let you go! This is just your "Fire and Storm" and he will be with you always. It's so comforting that we can rely on our Heavenly Father at all times and is always there to cushion us from the storms of life!
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