Time will tell what's on my mind
Tears will flow until my eyes go blind
I sing until I cry,
'Cause that's my way to say goodbye
- "That's my way to say goodbye" by Christian Wunderlich
Two months have gone by and my heart still aches. I'm starting to wonder if it will ever stop. I realize that my life will never be the same, the scar on my heart will stay. Of course, it's getting better already, but so often I hate the situation I'm in... I want to be happy again, but it is so hard. The world keeps moving, but it feels like mine stands still. The tears haven't stopped and the littlest things brings all the memories flooding back. Sometimes my mind thinks I'm still carrying our precious baby and that I should be showing more. Then I have to remind myself that our baby is with Jesus. It feels so weird to be "flat" (not showing). My whole pregnancy I was waiting and was so excited when my tummy got a little more round, I was longing for the day I would feel that baby kick for the first time, and than it was gone so suddenly. I feel like I always have to act...I pretend to be fine, I hide what I think and feel. I think that that's what people want from me. But inside I'm broken. I just want to be normal again... but I don't know what to do. I want to be able to move on, or to forget. Two weeks ago, we had a child dedication service in church, and I was crying through the whole service. They read psalm 127 which says, "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him". What did or didn't I do, that I don't deserve that reward? How does God decide who will have a child and who won't? I have so many questions, that I for so long thought I knew the answer to. I don't want to doubt God, but right now I sure don't understand.
- Liane
6 comments:
You will never be able to forget what happened. To do that would be denying it ever happened, and that is not healthy. My suggestion to you is (Chances I will get some flack for saying this)is to get out of the house (either getting a part time job, or a ladies group, etc). Not that that will change how you feel, but it would give you a breather from the constant, depressing thoughts that you are experiencing. Speaking from experience here, when I'm in the house too much, or by myself too much, it gives me far too much time to think and play and replay different scenarios in my head and that's not good. I think Satan loves it when we think, and or dwell on situations that we really have no control over, and then we become agitated, paranoid and as you said start to doubt God!
We too will pray!
I agree with aunt Sheila. Getting out and listening to others helps me to see that I am not the only one. So often I find myself in a place where I feel like I am the only one dealing with...(whatever situation I am in) and if I take the time to listen and to look around me, I see people that also have their issues to deal with and then I don't feel so alone and I often find myself silently thanking God for the crosses I have to bear; that I don't have to bear the crosses that other people have to carry. It doesn't take away the "why me, God?" but it does make me say "thank you God that I only have to deal with ... and not with ..." The scars on your heart will heal - never completely but you will be able to look back and see that there is healing. I pray that God would bless you with guilt-free moments of joy - a time each day that you can see how much God loves you and that He will never leave you or forsake you. You are precious to Him and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Hey Liane
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your heart and I'm praying for you!!
-Mel
Liane, my heart aches for you. I know how you are feeling. All of the questions, and sometimes the guilt can be so overwhelming. Of course, you'll always wonder "why me", and you'll always question "what did I do...". I can tell you that it gets better, and I can tell you that in time some of the pain will fade - but you will always remember that little one. I don't want to delve too much into your personal lives - so I won't ask questions, but the greatest healing for me was becoming pregnant again. I don't know if that is your wish or your plan, but I will be praying for you. Sometimes these things take time - but I can say from experience that God truly knows best, even if we don't like His timing. Thinking of you...
Hi Liane,
hatte schon vor ein paar Tagen zu diesem Post einen langen Kommentar geschrieben und dann ist die Internetverbindung abgebrochen und alles war weg :-(
Also versuche ich es nochmal in Kurzversion.
Wir haben beim letzten Ladies Fellowship eine DVD geguckt (gibts in der church library auszuleihen). Eine ehemalige Missionarin aus Panama (hab ihren Namen vergessen) hat ein Zeugnis darüber gegeben, wie wir lernen können Gottes Pläne für unser Leben anzunehmen und damit zufrieden zu werden, auch wenn sie absolut nicht unseren Träumen entsprechen.
Ich glaube auf die Frage, wie Gott entscheidet, wer ein Kind bekommt und wer nicht, weiß allein Gott die Antwort. Gott liebt dich und will das Beste für dich, auch wenn er dir nicht immer das gibt was du dir wünschst. Es ist zu vergleichen mit "irdischen Eltern" und ihren Kindern. Lea wünschst sich so sehr ein Pferd und meint felsenfest, dass sie für es sorgen könnte. Aber wir als Eltern wissen es besser. Nur weil wir ihr nicht jetzt gleich ein Pferd kaufen, heißt es nicht, dass wir sie nicht lieben. Manchmal ist es sogar so, dass man mehr Liebe braucht jemanden etwas nicht zu geben als es ihm zu geben. So ist es auch bei Gott, er sieht Umstände in unserem Leben, die wir nicht sehen und wir müssen ihm vertrauen, dass sein Plan für uns besser ist als was wir uns wünschen. Wenn wir ihm vertrauen, gibt er uns am Ende viel mehr als wir gewagt haben zu träumen.
Und zu den Antworten, die du geglaubt hattest zu haben. Wenn alles glatt läuft, hat man immer die Anworten auf alles. Aber wie wenden wir sie an, wenn es auf einmal uns trifft. Und vielleicht will Gott dir Antworten geben, die du aus Erfahrung mit ihm hast und nicht aus Büchern oder sonstwoher.
Bete für dich (und Warren), dass ihr aus ganzen Herzen wieder fröhlich werden, egal in welchen Umständen.
Irene
Ich hoffe du denkst nicht, dass ich meine du könntest für das Kind nicht sorgen (wegen dem Vergleich mit Lea). Auf gar keinen Fall! Auch ich weiß nicht, warum es so ist wie es ist.
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